The Art of the Grease
The Art of the Grease
Greasing is one of the Cornerstones of The G Manifesto. The purpose, obviously, is to make life easier and really, to get a return on your investment. The Art of the Grease is to make it seem like you are actually not Greasing. Most people don’t like to be bought. That is why the Holiday Season is really the best time to Grease. During the Holidays, you can give “gifts” to people under the premise of the Season of Giving. I know the Holiday Season is over, but January is technically still the Holiday Season on The G Manifesto Calendar because holidays are often spent away from home, like in ST. Bart’s, for instance. The Holiday Season really should be called “Grease Season”.
When you’re Greasing, you always want to be subtle. Never make a big show of it (this is one of the big distinctions between greasing and merely tipping: in tipping you always want the fly girl you’re with to notice). Always pull someone aside or meet a good “drop-off” location. Or have one of your operatives do the work for you, depending on the Grease. Here is a basic guide to some of the people you will want to Grease this Holiday Season and what to give them:
1. Drivers. You should have at least a few different drivers on your payroll. These guys can really get you out of jam and you need to keep the wheels greased (no pun intended). Like when you’re out in the suburbs at some Mansion party and you need to split out of there fast with a couple of fly suburban girls. News just in, cabs are hard to come by in the suburbs. Come to think of it, Dope Nightclubs, Gentleman’s Clubs, Sick Restaurants and Culture are hard to come by in the suburbs also. Regardless, take care of your drivers. I usually give my drivers a couple of Montecristo No.2’s or some other dope Cuban Cigar.
2. Resturanteurs and Matre’D’s (also Bartenders). It really goes without saying that these guys are super important to have on your team. I like to give these guys a nice Zippo, Dunhill, or Dupont lighter. It’s a good move whether or not these guys smoke. Most resturanteurs are so busy they don’t have the time to pick up a dope lighter and are forced to use Bics. Even if they don’t smoke, they have customers that do (like me) and if they are a restaurateur worth their weight, they will need to light a ladies cigarette. This grease move will really pay dividends next time you need the best table and help with general good will.……
3. Bouncers. Only grease bouncers with CASH. And stick to the important ones, like the Head Bouncer and the Doorman. There is a decent amount of turnover in the bouncing world.
4. Tailor. This is one of the most important people to grease. After all, he is in charge of how you look. I mean, really this guy might be the most important. You should have a very good tailor (Italian of course) and you need to take care of him (if you don’t have a good one, your scene is pretty pathetic. For instance, at any given time I have at least 10 I am working with, usually Northern, Central, and Southern Italy is well represented. If you really need help, ask me, Ill give you a referral, I am that type of guy…..) I always get my tailor a really good Super Tuscan. You will be amazed at how well this works. The pro bono Brioni pocket squares and Tax-free purchases on the flip side will make the Super Tuscan more than pay for itself.
5. Barber. Very important as well. After all he is in charge of your hair. And if you have hair as beautiful as myself (you can thank my Mom) you don’t want some hack from Super Cuts or Family Fades giving you a trim. Nor do you really want some hairdresser party chick, or Suicide Girl still up on beaks or beans dialing you in. You want a real pro, a legit Barber that has been cutting hair since the days of Bugsy Siegel. Even better if the guy has cut Bugsy’s hair in the past. Again, this guy should be Italian. And Super Tuscans are the grease as well. This will really come in handy when you need a last second haircut before shooting to South Beach, Miami.
6. Associates that work for you. The best grease is a meal with drinks. This way you can keep your “ear to the street”.
7. Butcher, Fishmonger, and girls that work in your local Italian Market. CASH. Well worth it too, to get those extra good cuts of meat, to get super thin sliced prosciutto, the freshest fish, and a smile from the girls. A smile from a cute girl goes a long way in my book. So does a hug and a kiss from a fly girl, but that’s a different story…..
8. Stockbrokers, Various Real Estate knuckleheads, Accountants and Lawyers that are on your team. These guys don’t really deserve much, you pay them enough already. If they like to bend the rules for you; then you can hook them up. California wines are always good. Never CASH with these guys.
9. Cops. And when I say “cops” I am referring to “bent cops”. The ones that are of value. The one’s that can run a plate number for you, or let you know when they are planning a raid and who they are going after. The best grease for these guys is beautiful girls. I mean, how many fly girls do you know that want to date a cop? Cops only date fly girls in Hollywood movies or on Miami Vice. And keep in mind, Crockett and Tubbs wore Armani…….Usually after a bent cop spends a night with one of the girls on your team, they are ready to keep the information flowing. Information is the greatest commodity, right? (Oil and Gas futures are not too bad either, if you know what your doing). In fact, introducing girls to a cop, is a good way to get a cop bent in the first place…..
10. Politicians (from City Hall on up). This is the major leagues of Grease. There has been a lot of negative press in the news lately about this and you have to be very stealth. Obviously CASH is the move. Time on charter planes is also a classic. Easier to track though… That’s why I prefer CASH. If you don’t understand the value of greasing politicians, then I am sure your problems don’t end there. Keep in mind the best politicians to Grease. Don’t bite off more you can chew. If your business is mostly locally based, you don’t need to go after the President. Start small. City Hall guys are easy. Girls work well with them too. Fundraisers are always great opportunities to increase your influence (just last week I went to one for a gentleman who is running for State Assembly, for instance). Just make sure you cover your tracks, and of course, dress sharp (Custom hand made Italian pinstripe suits, blue Zegna shirts, blue and white Zegna ties, baby blue Kiton pocket squares and Cap-Toe lace ups by A. Testoni is a good outfit to go with, just in case you didn’t know that already……..)
There are other people you can grease. Greasing needs to be tailored to your individual scene. Maybe if you play a lot of golf ( I don’t), you might want to take care of the jerk that carries your bag around while you waste your time trying to hit a little ball around some grass. To each his own. But always think grease. It’s a greasy world, slide into it (so to speak)……..The Rest is Up to You……
There is none this week. I need to go, I am late for a fundraiser……….
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
The Guide to Getting More out of Life
(Want to see something in The G Manifesto? Send suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org )